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Found this little guy in my car. Makes me miss my son when he is at his dads. It's just not the same with him not home.

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Good words to live by.

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So, this post is bitter sweet.  Why, you might ask, am I posting a screen shot of my iPhone as my photo for the day?  Let me explain...

I see this post as two things - an ending to one of the most difficult years of my life and a reminder of one of my greatest blessings.  

On January 16, 2012, we learned we were pregnant.  Very shocked to say the least - we weren't really trying, but not preventing - but oh so very thrilled!  I was off work for MLK Day and had been feeling a little "off."  We had stopped by the store and I picked up a test, already knowing what the results would read.  I took the test while the dinner was cooking, and was not surprised at all by the words 'pregnant' on the test stick.  We were so happy; however, our happiness quickly turned into what has been the biggest faith walk, test, whatever you want to call it, in my life.  After two very long months, in March I was diagnosed with a miscarriage, or missed abortion.  I have never felt so upset in my entire life.  I felt as if something was being stolen from me, and there are times I still feel that way and it's now 10 months later.  I think it truly is a pain that only women who have been there can possibly understand.  People can say they do, but they don't.  

I was bitter (and still have my moments).  My doctor told us to wait 2 months prior to trying again, so in June we began trying.  July.  August.  September.  October.  Why isn't it happening?  I never realized how mad I would feel.  How defeated.  How angry.  How sad.  How jealous.  Why is everyone pregnant?  Why can't I be?  If I saw one more baby bump, Facebook pregnancy announcement, baby shower, heard someone complain about all their children, etc. I might explode. 

In December, I realized something had to change... something... maybe I should say someONE.  I should change my perspective.  I found a blog that one of my best friend's pointed out to me called The Small Things.  The blogger has a similar story as me (minus the miscarriage).  She had been trying for all of 2012 and has had no luck.  She shared her troubles and talked about being certain in the uncertain.  

How hard is that?!?  I like to structure my days to the point of I know exactly how many minutes it will take for me to shower, dry my hair, put on makeup and straighten my hair.  I know how long I'll spend running on the treadmill and exactly when I'll go to the grocery store each Sunday.  But, I can't ever know when/if I will get pregnant again.  That scares me, but finally I am slowly embracing faith in the unknown, the unexpected and all of God's surprises.  

The second part of this picture, my blessing, is my beautiful five year old son Cash.  2012 may have been a horrible year for me, with many ups and downs a long the way, but I learned more about myself.  Found characteristics of me that need to change and characteristics that I should embrace.  I am a mom.  I love being a mom.  I am blessed - no matter what is taken or given to me.  

The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away, may the name of the Lord be praised.  

Job 1:21

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My favorite part of the day is talking with my kiddo right before bed. I love hearing about his day. I love hearing all his thoughts and missions of questions he seems to dream up right before bed. And, I love trying to figure out how I'm going to answer those questions. Good night from our house to yours.

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Two of my favorites - lazy Monday evening.  Counting my blessings - forgetting my stresses.  What was the best part of your day today?

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It's the small things sometimes that make us happy. I moved into my husband's house and he had it designed really nice for the most part but like any woman that likes to decorate there were a few things I wanted to "make my own."
Pillows! For our living room couches. Found these at Kirklands (one of my favorite stores) on sale. A bundle of 2 for $15.
Out with the old-in with the new

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We had a great family-fun Saturday!  I had to take pictures and video at an event for an hour or so and today was a big football day for my husband, so my parents watched Cash a few hours. I am so thankful to have parents that live 40 minutes away from us to help and hang out!

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Pizza. It's what's for dinner!

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It's almost Friday and the list isn't as checked off as I wanted. Oh well! :-)

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Where does my make-up go? I put it on in the morning and hour by hour it fades away....

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Best Queso EVER! We went to Chuy's tonight to take part in the Elvis Birthday Bash. Love me some Chuy's!

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Today I'm thankful for my job. I get to be creative. I have awesome equipment. And on most days, I feel like I'm making a difference.

Here's a glimpse behind my desk...

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So.many.tiny.pieces!

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This is my safe-haven.  Not necessarily this particular treadmill, but treadmills in general and the feeling I get from a good run.

I've always enjoyed running, but about three years ago (also when I became a vegetarian) I started training for road races.  I started with a few 5Ks then 10Ks, then completed a half marathon in February 2011.  After my training, I had surgery and was unable to run for about six weeks.  When I started back up again, it never really was the same.  I was so used to running with a specific program - a certain amount of miles per day with X amount of intervals.  One day, I decided to give up the road races (they would always be there) and just run to run.  Instead of "having" to run four miles, I'll just run when I feel like stopping.  Run to forget my worries.  Run to think.  Run to have some ME time.  Run to jam to some tunes (I prefer 90s techno dance music, ha).  Run to plan my day or future or someone else's day and future... haha!  I accomplish quite a bit when I run.

Before long, I realized I was in the groove and was enjoying running again.  I became so regimented with a training plan - and I do intend to start up with road races again, but I forgot why I started running in the first place.

"Just move your legs.  Because if you don't think you were born to run, you're not only denying history.  You're denying who you are."  
-Born to Run

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Yup. You read it right. Texas Chainsaw 3D. I'm all for a scary movie, but 3D will be a new experience.

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Every Thursday is different.  Thursday means I'm either picking up my son in the afternoon from school to spend the weekend at my house or I'm dropping him off at school only to see him on Sunday while he spends a weekend at his dad's.  I'll never get used to not having Cash at home with me everyday.

Today was a Thursday morning drop-off.  I snapped this photo right before he got out of the car this morning to go to school.   He may not listen to me when I ask him to do something - he may be a rambunctious little boy that is full of curiosity and wonder - and he may drive me completely mad sometimes, but saying goodbye to him for a weekend is still something that has not gotten easier.

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Just five years ago, my little boy was about to turn one month old.  Now, he's working on his consonant letters for his Pre-K "homework."  My son is FULL of energy - believe me, it's never a dull moment.  However, when you give him a project or task, he has to do it absolutely perfect and won't stop until he gets it right.

Today was our first day back at work after two well-deserved weeks off.  This morning as I drove Cash to school he asked me if I could pick him up after nap time.  That made me feel badly.  I replied, 'no honey - Mommy has to work.'  Then he says, ' well, can you at least pick me up before it gets dark?'  Ouch - that hurt even worse.  'I will try my best, Cash.'

Ever since I returned to work after my eight weeks (which is no where near enough time) of maternity leave, I have felt guilty.  I feel guilty because I'm sending him to be with other people who get to teach him, enjoy him and help him learn for eight to ten hours a day, five days a week.  But, each morning when he asks me 'are you going to work today, Mommy?' I feel satisfied with my response.  I'm satisfied because I believe I am instilling hard work and productivity in my son.  Each morning, he sees his mom and step-dad get dressed for work and he tells us that he wants to go to college and one day be a doctor.

I may be a full-time public relations professional, but being a mom (although it's one of the most difficult jobs that requires daily on-the-job training) is my favorite profession.  Although I'm not with him each each day, all day - he knows I am working hard to provide for him and I know without a doubt he will do the same for his family one day.

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It was a little cold today, but a perfect afternoon for some baseball after we chowed down on some black-eyed peas to ring in 2013.  Our family spent the new year at my grandparent's house in Dallas with my parents, uncle, aunt and cousins.  After lunch, we took Cash across the street for a little BP with the new balls and bat that Santa brought him for Christmas.  Happy New Year from the Conklin family.  We hope 2013 brings you many blessings.