Photo-a-Day

So, this post is bitter sweet. Why, you might ask, am I posting a screen shot of my iPhone as my photo for the day? Let me explain...

I see this post as two things - an ending to one of the most difficult years of my life and a reminder of one of my greatest blessings.

On January 16, 2012, we learned we were pregnant. Very shocked to say the least - we weren't really trying, but not preventing - but oh so very thrilled! I was off work for MLK Day and had been feeling a little "off." We had stopped by the store and I picked up a test, already knowing what the results would read. I took the test while the dinner was cooking, and was not surprised at all by the words 'pregnant' on the test stick. We were so happy; however, our happiness quickly turned into what has been the biggest faith walk, test, whatever you want to call it, in my life. After two very long months, in March I was diagnosed with a miscarriage, or missed abortion. I have never felt so upset in my entire life. I felt as if something was being stolen from me, and there are times I still feel that way and it's now 10 months later. I think it truly is a pain that only women who have been there can possibly understand. People can say they do, but they don't.

I was bitter (and still have my moments). My doctor told us to wait 2 months prior to trying again, so in June we began trying. July. August. September. October. Why isn't it happening? I never realized how mad I would feel. How defeated. How angry. How sad. How jealous. Why is everyone pregnant? Why can't I be? If I saw one more baby bump, Facebook pregnancy announcement, baby shower, heard someone complain about all their children, etc. I might explode.

In December, I realized something had to change... something... maybe I should say someONE. I should change my perspective. I found a blog that one of my best friend's pointed out to me called The Small Things. The blogger has a similar story as me (minus the miscarriage). She had been trying for all of 2012 and has had no luck. She shared her troubles and talked about being certain in the uncertain.

How hard is that?!? I like to structure my days to the point of I know exactly how many minutes it will take for me to shower, dry my hair, put on makeup and straighten my hair. I know how long I'll spend running on the treadmill and exactly when I'll go to the grocery store each Sunday. But, I can't ever know when/if I will get pregnant again. That scares me, but finally I am slowly embracing faith in the unknown, the unexpected and all of God's surprises.

The second part of this picture, my blessing, is my beautiful five year old son Cash. 2012 may have been a horrible year for me, with many ups and downs a long the way, but I learned more about myself. Found characteristics of me that need to change and characteristics that I should embrace. I am a mom. I love being a mom. I am blessed - no matter what is taken or given to me.

The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away, may the name of the Lord be praised.

Job 1:21